Uber Adventures: Guelph Homecoming

For you loyal readers, yes you’re that one person who has read my previous five installments of uber adventures, here is the long-awaited sixth edition. Just to explain the delay, Uber changed the requirements due to a bylaw changes in Waterloo Region. However, I drive in Guelph, which is not part of Waterloo Region, not that Uber knows the difference. This made it incredibly confusing to figure out what I needed to get back on the road. I’m convinced there is no worse customer service in the World than Uber’s current service team. No matter what you ask them, they will do everything to avoid answering your question. That is if they even bother reading the message you sent them.

Finally, I got back on the road, almost 10 months later, starting in time for the University of Guelph’s homecoming. If you have never been to a Guelph homecoming, it breaks down like this. Starting around 9:00 a.m. or earlier for the keen student, pancake keggers are hosted throughout the south end of Guelph, namely the Ironwood area. Those keggers usually go until noon when people head over to the stadium for the game. After the game, people rest up before going out at night.

However, this year was different. The weather was extremely warm, in the 30s for most of the day. Instead of going to the game, students partied from 9:00 a.m. until around 1:00 a.m. I started driving around 10:45 a.m., and went till about 1:15 a.m., with an hour break for gas and food in the middle. From the time I started until the time I ended, I drove people from party to party. A lot of trips went to Chancellors Way, which are about eight buildings dedicated to students off-campus. Every year since they were built, Chancellors Way has had the most noise complaints in Guelph by a wide margin.

People ask me why I drive for Uber. My answer is almost always the same, it can pay well and it is incredible entertainment. The next story might be the best story I have ever had.

I picked up three girls around the corner from my house to drive them to Chancellors Way. The girls are like most people on homecoming, incredibly intoxicated. When people are so intoxicated, they sometimes don’t realize that there is a complete stranger driving them. Well, these girls start talking and discussing boys. One of them mentions Clint James (name changed), to which one of the girls says “I think I had anal with him.” The one girl, unsure is then asked by her other friend, “what, when? A year ago, a few months ago?” The unsure if she said anal sex with Clint James “Two days.” Yes, she was unsure if she had anal sex with this person two days ago!

I should have written this earlier because I have forgotten most of what happened after that. However, I kept thinking to myself, how do you not know. The girls continued talking for the remainder of the trip, in total it was less than a five-minute ride but they kept talking and being confused how this girl was so unsure if she did or did not have anal with some random guy.



Uber Adventures 5: Halloween

It was Halloween weekend and that meant big time earnings for me driving all those drunken university students around the city for Uber.

I made $40 an hour driving groups of costumed people from house party to house party. I have never seen the surge level hit as high as it did on Saturday night. I can only check surge levels when I do not have to pick someone up. But when I did get a chance to check it, I saw the surge reach 4.8.

I picked up a group of two girls and two guys driving them to a party. I don’t remember what three of the people’s costumes were. But I do remember what the one girl was wearing. She was dressed as a vampire. But unfortunately, her fake teeth made it difficult to talk. Every time she attempted to speak, she had a lisp.

About an hour later, I picked up a group of three incredibly drunk, incredibly rude guys. I remember the one guy’s name was Emmett, because he made a point to shake my hand and introducing himself upon entering and exiting my car. He also happened to be 6’6” and by around ten, speaking and walking had become incredibly difficult for him. He also forgot to take his big bottle of booze and chase with him. Unfortunately, he left his bottle of booze open on the floor of my front seat and it spilled. I feel sorry for anyone who had to interact with him. He was already well past done, and it wasn’t even 10pm. The people I picked up following the drop off threw Emmett’s bottle of booze out the window, as we pulled away.

I picked up a pair of sister and took them to a party in the south end. I never really get a look at who gets into my car and what they are wearing. But they asked me to guess what they were wearing. I had no idea what they were wearing. I guess correct that the one had potatoes, on their head as part of the costume. I said I had no idea what they were supposed to be. She said that her sister and she were Mr. and Mrs. Potato-head. She made a comment about how funny it was. She then proceeded to say I wasn’t cleaver for not getting the costume. I responded by saying, it can’t be that fun if you have to explain it to everyone.

Early in the night I was constantly asked if it was a busy night. Truth is, it was not very busy until about 10:30om until 3:10am. I picked up my next foursome of people, three guys and one girl. They began discussing the comeback of the choker in women’s fashion. The one guy had made a comment that wearing a black choker, “means you have a black belt in giving head.” This angered the girl in the car, especially when he followed up by telling his girlfriend this. When his girlfriend responded that she didn’t wear a choker, he responded by saying exactly. The implication of his statement being that his girlfriend does not do oral, or is poor at the art of oral. The lone girl in the car snapped saying that there is no such thing as a girl giving a bad blowjob. That shut the car up pretty quickly.

I picked up a disturbing trio of guys. I should I have known it was going to be a bad ride, when they entered the pickup address wrong. These three wanted to go less than two blocks. But in that time, they proceed to let out a few nasty farts, and talk about drugs. Judging by their poor body odor, it would not surprise me if there talk on the phone with someone about doing heroin is really what they went to the house party to do. Thankfully that was a short ride.

I encountered my first nightmare of my Uber adventures. I went to a pick up location. I rolled down my window to see if the people at the curb were my pickup. Unfortunately, I turned off my car which unfortunately unlocked my car. I had my doubts that the people at the curb were the right people. They got in. I started driving and took the first few to their location. But that’s when it went wrong. As the people got out, a fight broke out. One person stayed in the car wanted to go to another location. But he wanted money from the others to pay for the ride. They argued and got nowhere. I realized I had the wrong people when the person still in the car didn’t really know how Uber worked. As they were arguing, my ride was cancelled. At that point, I was confirmed in my suspicion that I had the wrong people. I kicked out the last guy, and went back to the original location where I had been requested to get the right people. Thankfully, they were not too upset, when I told the one girl that the wrong people had gotten in their Uber. They were just thankfully to have a warm ride home.

Having rides cancelled mid ride was an earlier occurrence in the night. Thankfully these drunk and high idiots were loud talking about it. They thought they could get away with me picking them up and driving them to their location. But no, if you cancel the ride just because you think you can cheat the fare, you are wrong. The Uber app allows me to get an adjusted fare.

Thankfully the rest of my night was rather quiet. For the most part, most of the riders were respectful talkative guys and girls. There were also a few very good looking girls, which is never a bad thing.

Weekly Earnings: $379.80 in 9 hours 31 minutes

Lifetime Earnings: $1,699.44 in 64 hours 22 minutes

Uber Adventures 4: “Can you take us to McDonald’s? I need something to satisfy me, because the sex sure didn’t”

It’s been a while since I wrote about my Uber Adventures. The biggest reason was that most of my passengers just were not that interesting until this past weekend.

On Friday, I picked up a trio of university students. Including one who was so drunk he could barely string together an entire sentence. He also had no idea where he was going. If not for his friends, I’m not sure where he would have ended up that night. During the ride, he made a phone call talking to someone about smoking weed and getting laid. Since he was so drunk he figured his odds were about 50-50. He asked me, what I thought he odds were of getting laid. Just to play with him a little, I said he definitely had a better chance than half. He of course believed me. What can I say; you have to keep the drunks happy.

I can guarantee his odds of getting laid, were significantly lower than that 50-50. When we got to the destination he struggled getting out of the car. In fact, he made getting out of a car look to be incredibly difficult. He basically fell out of the car, and struggled to walk where ever he was going.

It was late Friday night, early Saturday morning, almost 4am, when I picked up two girls in the north east area of the city. They rushed to the car, and could not have got away from the house they were in fast enough. As soon as they both got in the car, the one girl said “we are never talking about that again.” Trust me; it only gets better from there. The girl then complains about her night and the pathetic guy she was with that night.

“Can you take us to McDonald’s? I need something to satisfy me, because the sex sure didn’t.” Her quote has to be one of the greatest quotes, I have ever heard. Maybe McDonalds will want to use that as an endorsement.

As I drive them to McDonalds, she complains about her bad decision and how terrible the sex was. She talks about her last relationship and how in love she was with her ex. Her friend is more concerned with getting a text back from the guy she was with.

We get to McDonalds and they proceed to order. Only one problem, they attempt to order Coca-Cola, only problem McDonalds is out of just about every drink they have. Making me wonder, how in the world does McDonalds run out of Coke? Waiting in the drive through, the same girl who complained about the bad sex, now describes her sex life with a former OHL player in a parking lot near her work. You have to believe me, when I say her stories were very entertaining.

As we drive back, the girl acknowledges me and asserts that I must think she is a huge slut. I don’t remember what I said, if I even said anything. But like I have said in previous posts, I don’t care anyone else’s sex life. Everyone loves sex, so go have as much sex as you like. About 20 minutes later, the ride was over, which is too bad, could have listened to this girls for a bit longer.

The next night, I was driving in another city during their unofficial second homecoming of the year. The nice thing was it was surging the whole time, and I got a lot of five star reviews. The bad parts, I didn’t really know where I was going, and I didn’t get any good stories. Unfortunately, all the trips I made were short. Short trips never lead to good stories.


Weekly Earnings: $161.98 in 6 hours 41 minutes

Weekly Earnings: $268.31 in 11 hours 24 minutes

Weekly Earnings: $283.29 in 13 hours 57 minutes

Lifetime Earnings: $1,319.64 in 54 hours 51 minutes


Uber Adventures 3: The Girl With The Bucket

Homecoming weekend at any university guarantees one thing, a lot of extremely intoxicated students. For some of these degenerates, they have been drinking since the time they woke up. For a lot of students, they will ultimately drink way too much. Some students many call it a night early and go home. Others don’t know where home is. Some make it into someone else’s home. Eventually they will all need to find their way home.

My plan had been to drive almost the entire day. But my friend called me and I was off in another city helping them out for most of the day. Thankfully I got home just after midnight and immediately started Ubering. My phone was constantly getting the notification from Uber. For three hours, I was going from pickup to drop off to pick up. It’s great when you are consistently booked. The less idle time, the more you make.

My second pickup of the night proved to be one of my most entertaining rides yet. I pulled up to a house on one of the more busy streets in the city. On the lawn are a lot of drunken students. They are clearly having a party but nothing out of hand. I see a few people coming from the group of roughly 12 on the front lawn. Then out of nowhere, a body rises from the ground. It’s like a dead body being picked up. This girl has no strength, cannot walk and no idea where she is. Thankfully she had some great friends. One of them comes up to me and ask if I will drive her extremely drunk friend home. Of course she says her friend hasn’t puked in about five minutes… But she is great enough to ask if I would like a bucket for her. For future reference, the answer is always yes!

So after, they get the passed out girl into the car, with her bucket. They even did up her seat belt. Not that she knew where she was. Her head was arched forward and into the bucket. Just over two kilometers later, I drop her and two friends off at the residence. They go and get help for this girl. For 20 minutes I sit in my car while they examine this girl. The meter is still running. I made almost $20 for sitting there. But I have to say, if you are drunk, the friends this girl has are the type of friends you want. They even left me a comment afterwards about how thankful they were that I drove her home.

Immediately after dropping off the girl with the bucket, I picked up a group of friends who wanted to go to the strip club. I don’t know what these people do, but they clearly have a lot of extra money to spend. I don’t know how they make their money, because they were all poorly groomed and looked kind of homeless. We get talking and the one guy says “cocaine and strippers don’t mix.” He then describes how he spent several hundred dollars in a booth at the strip club, while high on cocaine. I guess doing cocaine off a stripper’s ass isn’t all its cut out to be.

As I dropped them off at the strip club, I picked up my next ride. Three guys in their early 20s get in. They tell me about how they couldn’t get into any downtown bar with it being homecoming and had to settle for the strip club. What they didn’t know is how much money they would spend. By the time they left the strip club, they had each spent over $150 dollars. They spent the rest of the trip being angry for spending so much money. All I have to say is good for you girls at the strip club for making money.

The majority of my rides the rest of the night were rather quiet. Nothing exciting, except for a few rather attractive passengers. But around 3 I picked up a trio of girls who wanted me to take them to McDonald’s. That sounds normal enough. But what makes it more notable is that they didn’t know where they were. They thought they were in a city 45 minutes away. Hearing them attempt to order was difficult. They could barely string together a sentence.

The following week, did not have many exciting drives either. Just a couple of drunken guys, who had me go to a party where they picked up a couple of girls out of both of their leagues. Now these guys also fall into the category of guys who need to learn how to talk to women. I can’t belief how rude and disgusting these guys were. Lucky for them, these girls didn’t seem to mind. The two guys and two girls proceeded to make fun of a guy one of the girls had slept with for having a small penis…

It really is amazing what drink people will say when a total stranger is driving you. Although, I am sure that sometimes they do not even realize I am in the car.

Weekly Earnings: $198.50 in 5 hours 46 minutes

Weekly Earnings: $71.44 in 2 hours 37 minutes

Lifetime Earnings: $606.06 in 22 hours 49 minutes



Adventures of an Uber Driver

When Uber first came to my city, I signed up right away to be a driver. It was an easy enough process to apply and be approved as a driver. There were just a few problems, I did not have a smart phone that allowed me to get the app, and I wasn’t sure how much I really wanted to do it.

About 15 months and a new phone later, and I decided to give it a shot. Previously I had driven my friends, degenerate (drunk) brother and his friends around the city. It was fun and entertaining for me, and it never hurt when they gave me five or ten dollars. So how different could driving for Uber be.

Living in a university town, I decided to go online for the first time with Uber on the first Saturday night that the students were back in town. Thanks to surge pricing, in five hours I made $187.

But what makes Uber great is more than just making a stunning amount per hour. It’s the hilarious stories and one-liners the almost always drunk people who hop in your car tell you. In the coming weeks, I will be writing here to share some of the hilarious and awesome stories I have from my adventures driving for Uber. Hope you will continue to read as I continue driving.

Weekly Earnings: $203.12 in 6 hours 15 minutes