Uber Adventures 4: “Can you take us to McDonald’s? I need something to satisfy me, because the sex sure didn’t”

It’s been a while since I wrote about my Uber Adventures. The biggest reason was that most of my passengers just were not that interesting until this past weekend.

On Friday, I picked up a trio of university students. Including one who was so drunk he could barely string together an entire sentence. He also had no idea where he was going. If not for his friends, I’m not sure where he would have ended up that night. During the ride, he made a phone call talking to someone about smoking weed and getting laid. Since he was so drunk he figured his odds were about 50-50. He asked me, what I thought he odds were of getting laid. Just to play with him a little, I said he definitely had a better chance than half. He of course believed me. What can I say; you have to keep the drunks happy.

I can guarantee his odds of getting laid, were significantly lower than that 50-50. When we got to the destination he struggled getting out of the car. In fact, he made getting out of a car look to be incredibly difficult. He basically fell out of the car, and struggled to walk where ever he was going.

It was late Friday night, early Saturday morning, almost 4am, when I picked up two girls in the north east area of the city. They rushed to the car, and could not have got away from the house they were in fast enough. As soon as they both got in the car, the one girl said “we are never talking about that again.” Trust me; it only gets better from there. The girl then complains about her night and the pathetic guy she was with that night.

“Can you take us to McDonald’s? I need something to satisfy me, because the sex sure didn’t.” Her quote has to be one of the greatest quotes, I have ever heard. Maybe McDonalds will want to use that as an endorsement.

As I drive them to McDonalds, she complains about her bad decision and how terrible the sex was. She talks about her last relationship and how in love she was with her ex. Her friend is more concerned with getting a text back from the guy she was with.

We get to McDonalds and they proceed to order. Only one problem, they attempt to order Coca-Cola, only problem McDonalds is out of just about every drink they have. Making me wonder, how in the world does McDonalds run out of Coke? Waiting in the drive through, the same girl who complained about the bad sex, now describes her sex life with a former OHL player in a parking lot near her work. You have to believe me, when I say her stories were very entertaining.

As we drive back, the girl acknowledges me and asserts that I must think she is a huge slut. I don’t remember what I said, if I even said anything. But like I have said in previous posts, I don’t care anyone else’s sex life. Everyone loves sex, so go have as much sex as you like. About 20 minutes later, the ride was over, which is too bad, could have listened to this girls for a bit longer.

The next night, I was driving in another city during their unofficial second homecoming of the year. The nice thing was it was surging the whole time, and I got a lot of five star reviews. The bad parts, I didn’t really know where I was going, and I didn’t get any good stories. Unfortunately, all the trips I made were short. Short trips never lead to good stories.


Weekly Earnings: $161.98 in 6 hours 41 minutes

Weekly Earnings: $268.31 in 11 hours 24 minutes

Weekly Earnings: $283.29 in 13 hours 57 minutes

Lifetime Earnings: $1,319.64 in 54 hours 51 minutes



Toronto sports fans are the worst

Toronto sports fans are the worst. Throwing cans of beer, racial and homophobic insults are just the beginning of why Toronto sports fans are some of the worst behaved fans in North America.

During the seventh inning of the Toronto Blue Jays American League Wild Card game, Baltimore Orioles left fielder Hyun-son Kim made a routine catch on a warning track fly ball. Or at least it should have been a routine play, except for a Toronto fan throwing a beer can at the Orioles’ outfielder.

This was not the first incident of Toronto fans throwing cans of beer onto the field. In the prior season’s playoff series against Texas, Toronto fans littered the field with everything they could throw onto the field after the fan base disagreed with the umpires call on the field. In previous years’ home openers, fans have stolen rolls of toilet paper out of the bathroom and thrown them from the upper deck onto the field. Sit in the lower level outfield for a game and you will hear and chances are you will a few comments yelled at the opposing outfielders that are offensive.

But what can you expect; the Blue Jays have made going to the game more about getting drunk than baseball. By removing a restaurant and replacing it with a beer garden it’s more about drinking than enjoying the game. The Blue Jays should be taking more accountability for their fans bad behaviour. But the fans need to behave like responsible adults and not toddlers who throw toys when they get upset.

But Blue Jays fans are not the only bad sports fans in the Ontario capital. Earlier this summer Toronto FC fans brought a sign to Montreal that depicted a Montreal Impact fan performing oral sex on a Toronto FC fan. The team had to apologize for the sign, but it’s not the first instance of the fan base has behaved poorly. In 2008, approximately 2000 TFC fans travelled to Columbus for a game. But prior to the game, fights broke out between the two fan bases in the parking lot.

Toronto Maple Leafs fans, besides being delusional in their expectations of Stanley Cup parades, are known for running players out of town and again throwing stuff on the ice. With the Leafs finishing near the bottom of the NHL standings for the past few seasons, fans threw jerseys on the ice. The fans were charged with trespassing, forced to pay a fine and banned from the Air Canada Centre for a year.

Scarborough native and Hockey Hall of Famer, Larry Murphy was traded for virtually nothing after the fans constant harassment became too much for management to ignore.  In 151 games, Murphy produced 19 goals, 100 points and just a minus one rating. It wasn’t enough for the delusional fan base, and Murphy traded away to Detroit and won two cups with the Red Wings.

Want a more recent reference see Kessel, Phil; who was ripped by the fan base before being trading to Pittsburgh where he would go on to win the cup. Toronto fans complained that Kessel was fat, lazy and consumed too many hot dogs. Oh and let’s not forget, that Maple Leaf fans threw waffles on the ice and at the aforementioned Kessel.

The Toronto Argonauts and Toronto Rock are the two most successful teams in the city. But the city fails to support them. For years, the city’s sport fans made excuses as to why they would not go to an Argos game inside of the Skydome. First it was the sight lines, and then it was the fact that there was no tailgating. But when they moved outdoors to BMO field and introduced tailgating, attendance was expected to improve. Spoiler alert, attendance has not improved. With the exception of the home opener against the Hamilton Tiger-Cats (and their fans who made the trip), the Argos have not exceeded 18,000 fans in any of their other seven home games.  The Argos current average attendance is 16,550 fans per game. The team ranks dead last in the league, averaging over 3,500 fewer than second last British Columbia.

The Toronto Rock won championships in 2012-13 and 2015. But attendance has been on the decline since their 2005 championship when attendance peaked at over 17,000. In 2015, attendance was hovering around 10000, an all-time low for the franchise.

Maybe the best behaved fan base within the city is for the Toronto Raptors. The fans travel well to opposing cities, and sell out home games. The fans don’t just sell out home games, they jam pack the plaza outside of the arena to watch the games. If there is one complaint, it is the bandwagon nature of the fan base. A few years ago when the Raptors found themselves near the bottom of the NBA standings, the arena was not coming close to selling out, and it was incredibly easy to find tickets on the secondary market for significantly less than face value.

Toronto Raptors Season Preview

The Toronto Raptors are coming off their best season in franchise history. The team won a franchise record 56 games and reached the Eastern Conference Finals, before losing to the eventually champions Cleveland Cavaliers eliminated them in six games.

The Raptors have a few questions coming into the new season. Can the Raptors improve on last season and reach the NBA finals, or have they peaked with the Demar DeRozan and Kyle Lowry core.  The answer to both those questions will be determined by how success the Raptors are replacing key role players who left in the off-season when the NBA salary cap exploded.

Gone in the off-season are a trio of big men who played roles within the Raptors rotation. Off to Brooklyn is Luis Scola, who started the season as the starting forward, before being phased out of the rotation during the playoffs. James Johnson is now with Miami after finding himself in the doghouse of Head Coach Dwayne Casey during both of his stints with the Raptors. When Johnson found himself on the court, he proved capable of playing both forward positions. The big loss for the Raptors came in the departure of Bismack Biyombo to Orlando for four years and $72 million dollars. While Biyombo’s offense game was limited to scoring in the paint, his rebounding and shot blocking presence will be extremely difficult for the team to replace.

Team President Masai Ujiri had a relatively quiet off-season after resign DeRozan to a max contract extension. While other teams went on a spending spree as soon as free agency began, Ujiri choosing to wisely sit back and watch. The NBA saw massive contract after massive contract signed. Role players such as Biyombo, who Ujiri signed the season prior for $3 million dollars, saw his annual salary shot up to $18 million. Biyombo was not an outlier; he was the trend this off-season. NBA teams continued to offer ridiculous contracts as the salary cap skyrocketed over $20 million dollars.

Ujiri’s strategy was simple. Let the other teams make mistakes dishing out long-term contracts that could be albatrosses within two seasons when the salary cap stabilizes. Ujiri was patient and it paid off. When the Boston Celtics signed free agent Al Horford to a contract, they had to renounce the rights to restricted free agent Jared Sullinger. Ujiri jumped at the news. With the majority of NBA teams having already spent their newly found salary cap space, Ujiri found himself in an advantageous position. Sullinger signed for one year and a third of annual salary Biyombo received from Orlando.

While Sullinger represents a sizeable defensive downgrade from Biyombo, he does represent a sizeable offensive upgrade too. In his lone season with the Raptors, Biyombo averaged 5.5 points per game, 6.5 rebounds and 1.6 blocks in 22 minutes a game. In his four years with Boston, Sullinger averaged 24.9 minutes, 11.1 points, 7.7 rebounds, but just 0.6 blocks a game.

The addition of Sullinger is the only major change to the Raptors nine man rotation. Back are all-star starting guards Lowry and DeRozan. After missing the majority of the regular season with a knee injury, DeMarre Carroll is healthy. A year after receiving a four year $60 million dollar deal, Carroll’s contract looks like a bargain in the new cap world. Carroll provides the Raptors with a swing man capable of matching up defensively with the top wings in the East, while adding the occasional corner three. Jonas Valanciunas returns as the starting center. For the Raptors to improve, Valanciunas has to develop into a double-double machine.

The last spot in the starting lineup will come down to a camp battle between Sullinger and sixth man Patrick Patterson. While Patterson struggled shooting the ball last season, his name was continually found within the Raptors best plus-minus lineups.

Rounding out the nine man rotation are backup guards Cory Joseph, Norman Powell and Terrence Ross. Joseph proved to be a capable backup to Lowry, as he posted career highs in minutes and nearly every statistical category. Powell already holds the title, of being the Raptors best second round pick in franchise history after just one season. But that is more because of how terrible the Raptors draft history is. After barely seeing the court in the first half of the season, Powell found himself a starter down the stretch. Ross continues to be a great enigma to the Raptors fan base. The talented and freakish athleticism of Ross has shown highlights of potential, but through season, Ross has failed to put his game altogether.

The Raptors nine man rotation is good enough to win close to 50 games provided there is no major injury. But for the Raptors to match or exceed last season’s success, the Raptors need to find a contributor from one of the former first round picks, the team has stockpiled on the end of their bench.  With two first round picks in the past draft, the Raptors selected center Jakob Poltl from Utah and forward Pascal Siakam 27th overall. Poltl is expected to battle Lucas Nogueira for minutes behind Valanciunas. While Siakam is a developmental prospect who could find himself playing more in the D-League than the NBA this season. Delon Wright, the Raptors’ first round pick in 2015, and former Utah teammate of Poltl is expected to miss the first half of the season following shoulder surgery. While it is anyone’s guess, if the team ever receives any production from Bruno Cabocolo in a game that is not a blowout.

Even if one of the Raptors get unexpected production from one of their stockpiled first round picks, the team should be expected to meet the expectations last season. Barring any injuries to any star player within the Eastern Conference, the Raptors should finish second and again get eliminated by the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Uber Adventures 3: The Girl With The Bucket

Homecoming weekend at any university guarantees one thing, a lot of extremely intoxicated students. For some of these degenerates, they have been drinking since the time they woke up. For a lot of students, they will ultimately drink way too much. Some students many call it a night early and go home. Others don’t know where home is. Some make it into someone else’s home. Eventually they will all need to find their way home.

My plan had been to drive almost the entire day. But my friend called me and I was off in another city helping them out for most of the day. Thankfully I got home just after midnight and immediately started Ubering. My phone was constantly getting the notification from Uber. For three hours, I was going from pickup to drop off to pick up. It’s great when you are consistently booked. The less idle time, the more you make.

My second pickup of the night proved to be one of my most entertaining rides yet. I pulled up to a house on one of the more busy streets in the city. On the lawn are a lot of drunken students. They are clearly having a party but nothing out of hand. I see a few people coming from the group of roughly 12 on the front lawn. Then out of nowhere, a body rises from the ground. It’s like a dead body being picked up. This girl has no strength, cannot walk and no idea where she is. Thankfully she had some great friends. One of them comes up to me and ask if I will drive her extremely drunk friend home. Of course she says her friend hasn’t puked in about five minutes… But she is great enough to ask if I would like a bucket for her. For future reference, the answer is always yes!

So after, they get the passed out girl into the car, with her bucket. They even did up her seat belt. Not that she knew where she was. Her head was arched forward and into the bucket. Just over two kilometers later, I drop her and two friends off at the residence. They go and get help for this girl. For 20 minutes I sit in my car while they examine this girl. The meter is still running. I made almost $20 for sitting there. But I have to say, if you are drunk, the friends this girl has are the type of friends you want. They even left me a comment afterwards about how thankful they were that I drove her home.

Immediately after dropping off the girl with the bucket, I picked up a group of friends who wanted to go to the strip club. I don’t know what these people do, but they clearly have a lot of extra money to spend. I don’t know how they make their money, because they were all poorly groomed and looked kind of homeless. We get talking and the one guy says “cocaine and strippers don’t mix.” He then describes how he spent several hundred dollars in a booth at the strip club, while high on cocaine. I guess doing cocaine off a stripper’s ass isn’t all its cut out to be.

As I dropped them off at the strip club, I picked up my next ride. Three guys in their early 20s get in. They tell me about how they couldn’t get into any downtown bar with it being homecoming and had to settle for the strip club. What they didn’t know is how much money they would spend. By the time they left the strip club, they had each spent over $150 dollars. They spent the rest of the trip being angry for spending so much money. All I have to say is good for you girls at the strip club for making money.

The majority of my rides the rest of the night were rather quiet. Nothing exciting, except for a few rather attractive passengers. But around 3 I picked up a trio of girls who wanted me to take them to McDonald’s. That sounds normal enough. But what makes it more notable is that they didn’t know where they were. They thought they were in a city 45 minutes away. Hearing them attempt to order was difficult. They could barely string together a sentence.

The following week, did not have many exciting drives either. Just a couple of drunken guys, who had me go to a party where they picked up a couple of girls out of both of their leagues. Now these guys also fall into the category of guys who need to learn how to talk to women. I can’t belief how rude and disgusting these guys were. Lucky for them, these girls didn’t seem to mind. The two guys and two girls proceeded to make fun of a guy one of the girls had slept with for having a small penis…

It really is amazing what drink people will say when a total stranger is driving you. Although, I am sure that sometimes they do not even realize I am in the car.

Weekly Earnings: $198.50 in 5 hours 46 minutes

Weekly Earnings: $71.44 in 2 hours 37 minutes

Lifetime Earnings: $606.06 in 22 hours 49 minutes